Time Well Spent

Audio Laundry List

2010-06-16T15:06:00.000-07:00

I need to buy these. So do you. Best get on it.

Gaslight Anthem - "American Slang"
Against Me! - "White Crosses"
Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers - "Mojo"
The Black Keys - "Brothers"
Gogol Bordello - "Trans-Continental Hustle"
The National - "High Violet"
Delta Spirit - "History From Below"
The Like - "Release Me"

Dorothy White Budge - Beloved Matriarch, Funny Old Gal

2010-06-09T08:08:00.000-07:00

Dorothy White Budge passed away of natural causes at her home in Graham, Texas, on June 8. She was 96.

Dorothy White was born Oct. 26, 1913, in Logan, Utah, to Joseph Barnard and Rachel White. Along with her four brothers and two sisters, Dorothy was raised on a family farm in Paradise, Utah. Growing up with such a large family, Dorothy learned at a young age how to be both tough and nurturing as the situation warranted, defining her demeanor for the years to come.

She attended South Cache High School in Hyrum, Utah, where she played saxophone in the school band. After graduation, she joined an all-girls jazz band and traveled through Utah and Idaho playing music, making friends and generally enjoying the adventures of her youth. She returned to Logan to attend Utah State University where she pledged to the Chi Omega sorority. It was at Utah State where she met her future husband, Omar Sutton Budge, a member of the Sigma Chi fraternity. After Omar graduated, the two got married on May 12, 1934, and made their way to St. Louis where Omar was accepted into medical school at St. Louis University. While Omar worked toward his M.D., Dorothy worked at a local stationary store and the two enjoyed their time together as newlyweds. While living in St. Louis, Dorothy gave birth to two boys, John and James. The couple returned to Logan after Omar completed medical school, where they had three more children - Richard, and twin daughters Susan and Dorothy. The youngest child, Dorothy, died soon after childbirth.

Dorothy was famous for knowing her way around a kitchen, effortlessly cooking extravagant meals without ever seeming to run out of recipes. She cooked everything from scratch and her home was a popular mealtime destination for friends, family and anyone else looking for a quick snack. She joked that she was so used to the traditional style of cooking that the first time she tried to heat up a dinner roll in a microwave she stuck it in for five minutes and it came out "rock hard and on fire."

Dorothy and Omar often played host to their many friends, frequently inviting people into their home for dinner and drinks and playing Nat King Cole records into the wee hours. The Budges were also members of the Logan Golf and Country Club, and for years Dorothy was active with her women's bridge group. No matter what the occasion, Dorothy was always the life of the party and never anything less than fashionable. Whether having company over to the house, dining at a five-star restaurant or simply picking up groceries, Dorothy could always be counted on to sport big, shiny earrings, perfectly tailored outfits, and one of her many matching handbag and shoe pairings. And of course, she was never seen without her jet-black hair neatly pulled back into a bun.

The Budges loved to travel, and every room in their home was decorated with paintings, statues, vases and other unique items they acquired on their adventures to Haiti, Egypt, Europe, Mexico and Hawaii. After the couple's children were out of the house and Omar retired from medicine, they moved to Palm Desert, California, where they enjoyed the hot weather, numerous golf courses and great array of restaurants. After Omar's death on July 12, 1988, Dorothy continued to live in their Palm Desert home for the next 18 years. During that period, her home was the rendezvous point for dozens of Budge family members for various holidays, vacations and long weekends. In 2006, after a number of health issues, Dorothy moved into an assisted living facility in nearby Temecula, California, where she was only a few minutes away from her son, Richard. In 2008, she packed up and moved to Texas in order to be closer to her son, James.

Dorothy will be remembered for her quick wit and biting sense of humor - a genetic trait that continues to thrive in the collective Budge DNA. Dorothy cherished and was beloved by all of her family, particularly her grandchildren and great-grandchildren. She never missed a chance to tell them how much she loved them and was everything a grandmother should be - loving, patient and just the tiniest bit crazy.

Dorothy is survived by her son and daughter-in-law, John and Linda Budge of Cave Creek, Arizona; son and daughter-in-law James and Sherry Budge of Graham, Texas; son and daughter-in-law Richard and Greer Budge of Temecula, California; daughter and son-in-law Susan and Thomas Ballew of Elko, Nevada; sister June Squires, 99, of Ogden, Utah; nine grandchildren and six great-grandchildren, with one more great-grandchild on the way.

My Back

2010-06-01T13:23:00.000-07:00

I've gone and fucked up my back again. As I write this I am holed up in the house, lying on the couch with the shades drawn, making the house as dark and dreary as possible. As I alternate hot and cold packs on my aching bones, the light of my laptop is now the only thing illuminating the room. I'm sure that only the perpetually hungover and bat people will relate, but there's something really nice about a room devoid of natural light when you're feeling especially shitty. A cozy blanket of blackness to wrap around your body and mind that meshes with your soul and coagulates with the absolute shittiness eminating from within your aching body. For now, I am one with the blackness, and until I can get in to see the goddamned doctor tomorrow, it is my one true friend.

The Black Keys are here for you

2010-04-16T08:50:00.000-07:00

Keep it cool, babies.

Catfood looks complicated

2010-03-31T13:47:00.001-07:00

I don't know much about cats or what they want when it comes to canned food, but this is the goddamned funniest thing I've seen all day. I wish all advertisements were so fantastically nonsensical.

Stop listening to Ke$ha

2010-03-15T19:38:00.000-07:00

Actually, I don't give a good goddamn if you listen to Ke$ha or the Black Eyed Peas or whatever new pop starlet RCA has unleashed into the wild. But, just like popping a few oranges in your mouth can help stave off that cruel mistress that is scurvy, adding some good music into your life can help keep you from overdosing on all the sugary sweetness pop radio crams in your ears on a daily basis.

So here are some of the best new albums I've heard in the past week. Give them a listen. It'll be good for you.

Gorillaz - "Plastic Beach"
The Besnard Lakes - "The Besnard Lakes are the Roaring Night"
Drive-By Truckers - "The Big To-Do"

The Big To-Do - Drive-By Truck...

Broken Bells - "Broken Bells"
Alkaline Trio - "This Addiction"

Tell your friends

1, 2, 3, ah ah ahhhhhh

2010-03-04T08:54:00.000-08:00

I just love this painting for so many reasons. It's titled "Down for the Count." Team Edward not getting a lot of respect here. Brilliant.

March Mustache Madness Monday

2010-02-28T21:32:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is Monday, March 1. I will wake up at 6:30 a.m., hit the snooze button a few times, and finally make my way into the bathroom to shower at about 7. At some point before I emerge from the bathroom, refreshed and ready to take on the day, week and month, I will shave my face. This is all pertinent because it will be the last time I shave my upper lip before March 24.

In three and a half weeks I will be meeting my dad, brother and friends in Salt Lake City for the Sweet 16 portion of the NCAA men's basketball tournament. We will eat. We will drink. We will watch a lot of basketball. But most importantly, we will all have mustaches. All of these mustaches will be born tomorrow, and will mature through the rest of the month until we all convene upon Utah soil, at which point we will compare mustaches and declare a champion of March Mustache Madness. We will most certainly crown a loser as well.

There are a few things you may be wondering:

1) Who will have the worst mustache? -- My brother Joey. His mustache will look like he accidentally rubbed some dryer lint on his face. Its coverage will be sparse, its thickness will be that of fine rabbit hair, and its color will be dependent on the sun's position in the sky and the refraction of light through his wispy whiskers. In other words, it will be an abortion of a mustache. He will curse the genetic hand he has been dealt, and hilarity will ensue.

2) Why Mustaches? -- This should be obvious. Mustaches are awesome. Awesome Mustaches are the thing of legend. They inspire awe in all those who pass through their orbit. They are the subject of song and dance, and make ordinary men extraordinary. Fun fact: the authenticity of old-timey photographs is determined by the number of mustaches in frame. If there is less than 90-percent mustache coverage in photos taken before 1931, there's a good chance it's been faked. Totally true.

3) So, a contest eh? Aren't you getting a little old for this type of thing? -- First of all, fuck off. Secondly, if the Vancouver Olympics have taught us anything it's that friendly competition and good-natured mustache growing are part of what humanity should strive for. If we are going to usher our species toward the next logical evolutionary step -- hyper-competitive, mustachioed bipeds who enjoy watching other people be athletic -- we need to be a part of the mustache solution, and not part of the lack-of-mustaches problem. We're rocking the vote, except we're doing it with mustaches.

4) Seriously, why mustaches? -- Because we can, and we will. You're on notice Salt Lake. Consider your cookies dusted.

Big Love is dead to me

2010-02-24T10:24:00.001-08:00

Obviously, there are no new Big Love posts. I got sick and fell behind. Read the avclub blog if you want witty commentary on the goings on surrounding the increasingly poor decision of Bill Hendrickson. Stay tuned to this blog for dick jokes and beer recommendations.

Hooray for Premium Channels

2010-02-20T06:43:00.000-08:00

I'm sick. Not in the sense that I'm a pervert, but in the sense that for the past week I have been on the couch with bronchitis and the flu. It is by far the sickest I have been in at least a few years and I've had to miss too much work and haven't really been outside except to hoist my sorry ass into the car so I can get driven to the doc.

A big sign on the front door said that if I was experiencing any of the following symptoms: severe cough, fever, body aches, etc., that I would have to alert the front desk IMMEDIATELY. I was experiencing all of these in spades, so I let the nice lady at the front desk with the mustache know that yes, I was sick, and indeed, I had these symptoms -- right away the office went into full alert. They sent me to my own corner of the waiting room and told me that I NEEDED to put on a mask so as not to infect the other sick people with my sickiness. I've had never been instructed to put on a mask in a doctor's office before, but I guess with all the swine flu fallout of the past year this is the only way they can think of to keep sick people from spitting in each other's eyes. I would hate to be responsible for igniting a worldwide epidemic, and I'm sure without the masks there would be a sever spike of sick people spitting on healthy people and turning everyone into coughing, feverish, achy drones who crave Tamiflu and popsicles. I'm just glad that my doctor is doing everything they can to help stall the inevitable zombie apocalypse.

The bright side of all this sickness? I've watched a lot of movies in the past week. Some of them have been great. Others have been not so great. When you're as sick as I've been, your ability to discriminate between quality cinema and pure pap is somewhat diminished, and since contact to the outside world has been at a standstill, I've watched them all. Here's the list so far:

Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey
Persepolis
Max Payne
Signs
17 Again
Temple Grandin
Ghost Town
You Don't Mess With The Zohan
The Squid and the Whale
Cop Land
The Net

It's all good.

UPDATE FROM THE WEEKEND!!!

Coraline

Frost/Nixon

My Cousin Vinny

Yes Man

Role Models

Lakeview Terrace

The Taking of Pelham 123

Word-O-Rama

2010-02-11T14:14:00.000-08:00

Words that my coworker thinks are grosser than diarrhea:

Panties
Ointment
Moist
Salve
LOL

Words that pollute my ears and make me want to vomit bile:

Preggers
Trigg

The big digital transfer

2010-01-24T13:40:00.000-08:00

I'm beginning the process of removing all the blog posts from my old Myspace blog (Remember Myspace? It was totes kewl!) so I can finally delete that sumbitch. So I will periodically be re-publishing "classic blogposts" right here on this site. Exciting! Here's the first of many:

(Originally posted March 6, 2007) - "I liked Incesticide better"

I have a burn on my ass cheek.

Let me start over.

I got to work early this morning to get a few things done before I taught my 8 am class. It was around 6:30 or so and I had a cup of coffee in one hand, New York Times crossword puzzle in the other, and nary a care in the world. I threw my stuff down on my desk and decided that it was as good a time as any to head to the head and start my morning off with a nice, cleansing bowel movement.

Being so early in the morning, the cleaning crew had just finished spicking and spanning the tile and there was a nice, pungent ammonia smell wafting through the stalls. My favorite toilet was vacant, so right away I was pleased with how things were going.

I don't know why, but I like the stall that is fourth over from the wall. It is behind the wall enough that you can't see it from the main part of the men's restroom, but not so far off the beaten path that you worry about seeing some underclassman snorting coke off the tile. It's the perfect spot, with stall graffiti just vulgar enough to keep me coming back again and again.

So I sit down, get through about half of the puzzle, then I finish my business and head back to my desk to grade a few papers I should have graded three days earlier. I put the crossword away for later, take a few sips of coffee and sit down at my desk. I start grading some incompetent student's assignment when I notice that my right ass cheek just doesn't feel right. At first I thought to myself, 'crap. I got some splashback and now I'm all wet and sticky.' I immediately dismissed this as the feeling in my ass cheek moved from curious to slightly painful. I decided maybe my wallet was poking me at a funny angle, so I took it out and laid it on the desk next to my cup of coffee. This helped nothing.

So now, what had started out as a sort of innocuous inconvenience had progressed past discomfort and on to being a literal pain in the ass. My mind was starting to reel and I was thinking of all the possible causes for this discomfort and dismissing them just as quickly.

Tack on my chair? No, that feels nothing like this. Snake bite? I think I would have noticed that. Government-sanctioned laser beam aimed from hundreds of miles in space directly at my butt? Probably not.

What the fuck is going on and why does my ass cheek suddenly feel like it's on the business end of a cattle brand?

I went back in the bathroom, but by this time there were a few other people milling around the building and I couldn't risk being caught in the middle of the men's room, pants wrapped around my ankles, checking my ass out in the mirror. I went back in the stall, took my pants down and felt my cheek with my hand. It didn't feel wet or bloody or anything like that, but it was definitely a lot smoother than usual in one particular area. By this time the pain had receded to a mild discomfort and I was panicking less, but still confused. I put my pants back on, went back to the office and finished up my work before I had to head to class.

Fast-forward to a few hours ago. This morning's happenings had all but faded in the back of my mind when I sat down on the couch at a weird angle and noticed the pain was back again. With no roommates home and being in no danger of somebody seeing me look at my butt in the mirror like some steroid freak looking for a good ass vein to stick, I went in the bathroom and dropped my pants in front of the mirror. I have a burn on my ass. A chemical burn from the bleach they used to clean the toilets at school. Obviously, the nice lady with the Medusa hair and hot pink jumpsuit who cleans the men's room every morning didn't quite wipe all the chemicals off the seat in my favorite stall before I decided to make it my temporary place of business this morning. I now have a bleach burn on my ass, as well as a need to find a new favorite stall.

Mondays blow.

Big Love Season 4, Episode 2 - "The Greater Good"

2010-01-24T13:25:00.000-08:00

After last week’s episode brought us up to speed on the goings on surrounding Bill Hendrickson and his merry band of Faithketeers, the second episode of the season is diving head first into some of the main conflicts brought to light last week.

We open on a hearing by Representative Colburn, denouncing the practice of polygamy and the state’s lackadaisical attitude toward it. Colburn is running for state senate and will be damned if he’s going to leave this hot-button issue alone. Bill is in attendance at the hearing and decides he wants to run against Colburn in order to defend “The Principle” against zealots like Colburn who know little or nothing about the plight of Bill and the people of Juniper Creek. Sarah’s priceless reaction to Bill’s news: “Another day, another revelation.”

Clearly there are people in the family who have problems with Bill’s new pet project, particularly the three wives, seeing as how they are already stretched thin with Hendrickson Home Plus, Blackfoot Casino, and this whole crazy mess of a life they lead. No one is as staunchly against this idea than Margene, who has shown a little more backbone this season in matters of how the house is run and who plays what role within the family. We find out that Margene is on track to make over $130k this year selling her little bibelots (I learned this word this week and I’m using it, so deal with it) on TV, so her sense of self-worth is through the roof right now. I expect that before this is all over, she’ll get taken down a peg by somebody (probably Nikki).

Speaking of Nikki, she’s none too pleased that her ex-husband J.J. has been hanging around and gets even more irate when Bill invites J.J. and his cancer-stricken wife over for dinner. They discuss what will be best for their daughter Cara Lynn, but end up being as civil as bears fighting over a the last bit of lost hiker. They clearly have major issues with each other, and Nikki having been picked out of the Joy Book by J.J., which he now wants to put Cara Lynn into, isn’t gaining him any favors from anybody. Also, J.J. has no fingernails. Discuss.

While the family’s faith continues to put them in crisis, Sarah’s crisis of faith is bubbling over and she decides that instead of hemming and hawing over what she thinks is going to be acceptable to her family in terms of a church wedding, she and Scott say fuck it and decide to get married by the justice of the peace. Sarah tries to enlist brother Ben and estranged friend Heather to witness their nuptials, but neither is crazy about the situation. When she tells cashier Heather the news while sitting in the drive-thru, Heather responds with “Congratulations. Your total is $4.68.” Her bitterness over Sarah’s life choices in the last few seasons (drinking, having sex, bailing out on going to college together) isn’t something she’s willing to forgive, but she does promise to be there for her friend. Ben has a similar reaction when hearing the news, and when he sees what Sarah’s drink of choice is at dinner he disgustedly questions, “Is that wine? I gotta go,” though he reluctantly agrees to be there for his sister.

I have always enjoyed the dynamic of Ben and Sarah and am curious how their relationship will progress now that she has decided to formally shun the teachings of The Principle. Ben has slowly but surely grown closer to his faith, though not always in the most reasonable or mature fashion. He fully believes that life and faith are inextricably joined, though I don’t think he understands the ramifications of that viewpoint. Sarah sees the bad things that faith has done to her family, but seems blind to the immediate positive aspects of it (community support, sense of something larger than yourself, plenty of raisin salad). I guess this is something that happens in a lot of families where one sibling rejects the views of their parents while another is drawn to them. Ben and Sarah have been carving out their respective identities over the past three seasons and it seems like this could be the season where they will have to decide what kind of people they really are.

All of this action leads up to the burial of Roman Grant, the prophet of Juniper Creek. As Alby mentally prepares to take over the reins of the compound, Adaleen reminds him that nobody is fit to fill Roman’s boots. Nikki takes the opportunity to tell Bill that she never really believed that her father was the true prophet and that he should take that crown instead of focusing on this silly state senate business, but Bill has decided that not only will he will run for state senate, but he will do so as a polygamist (most likely a republican polygamist). Sarah makes a last-ditch effort to convince Bill that getting married is what she needs to do and that she needs to do it her way and Bill ends up surprising everybody by allowing the wedding to happen in their backyard, and the whole family gets to look on as Sarah and Scott say their “I dos.”

Now that Sarah and her beloved are joined by the state, she seems to have reached a level of understanding with her family. I have three theories about what may or may not happen to her in the future:

1) Her family will live in relative peace with her life decisions and allow her to live the way she wants, religious or not.
2) The Barb Hendrickson Guilt Committee will hold regular meetings to entice Sarah to nurture her spiritual existence, driving Sarah and Scott further away, possibly out of the state.
3) FBI will pump her and Scott for information about her family, driving a stake between the Hendricksons. Whether or not she gives them the info they need will twist the story in any number of directions.

All in all this was a surprisingly sweet ending for a show that often relies on soap opera-esque cliffhangers to entice viewers to tune in next week. It’s a nice reminder that despite the circumstances of their lives, the Hendricksons are a family who cares about each other to put aside difference in order to do what’s right … sometimes.

Looking back on these last two episodes, I’m truly confounded by the sheer number of storylines intersecting through the lives of the main characters of Big Love, as well as how each individual member of the story is connected to each other (J.J. is Wanda’s brother!?). It gives the story that heightened level of drama we’ve come to expect from a series as ambitious as any other on TV, but it can sometimes be in danger of seeming outlandish. Anybody and everybody in the real world has their share of stresses and sticky situations that intersect with the lives of those around them, but the level to which these stories are growing is not only getting hard to keep track of, but bordering on absurdity. As always, I give the writers of the series enough credit and trust to make the right choices for the story. I think we’re just in the metaphorical thick of the series, and the outlook to us casual viewers is murky at best.

Parting thoughts:
• Alby’s new “friend” Dave is a mentor at an organization called “Alignment” which teaches young boys how to not be gay. I’d say he needs to have his accreditation reviewed.
• Seriously, why doesn’t J.J. have fingernails?
• Congrats to Chloe Sevigny on winning the Golden Globe for her portrayal of Nikki. Nobody plays cloying polygamist harpy quite like her. Kudos!

Frankenstein Wednesdays

2010-01-21T13:23:00.000-08:00

Listen up Kiddos. It's good for you.

UPDATE:
Well, I can't get the goddamn music player to embed to my blog, so head over to www.vampireweekend.com and you can stream the new album "Contra" in its entirety.

Big Love Season 4, Ep. 1 - "Free at Last"

2010-01-20T21:20:00.000-08:00

It’s been a long wait, but the fourth season of Big Love is here and there is no shortage of intrigue, manipulation and disquiet weaving its way through the tangled web that is the lives of the Hendrickson family.

First, a quick recap. When we last left our favorite polygamists and the daily rigmarole they suffer through in the name of keeping the faith, Bill’s brother Joey had killed Roman in retribution for the death of his would-be second wife, Nikki’s daughter (who literally came out of nowhere) showed up unannounced on Nikki’s doorstep seeking refuge from her father and life on the compound, Nikki had all but been shunned by Bill for her backdoor dealings with her father and (almost) affair with the DA, Sarah had all but disavowed the polygamist lifestyle and made plans to marry her boyfriend, Margene was selling knickknacks on TV to try and help the family make ends meet, Barb had been excommunicated from the Mormon church, and Bill was spinning deeper and deeper into an unraveling madness trying to juggle his family, his business, his faith, and all the messes he keeps creating.

We open on the Hendrickson family taking part in their very own church service, away from the prying eyes of the FBI and all the rest of us sinners. They are joined by Bill’s crew-cutted partner Don, as well as daughter Sarah (minus her fiancé) who informs Barb that she might be getting married in the United Church of Christ – news that Barb manages to contain all her excitement about.

While the Hendricksons are giving thanks to God, Alby is in the park giving thanks for all the hot dudes working out within range of his binoculars. He gets approached by a man who questions Alby’s presence in the park and subtly suggests that he follow him into the heavy brush for a little afternoon delight, and Alby almost jumps out of his khaki shorts while making a beeline to the bushes.

SIDE NOTE: Matt Ross, the actor who plays Alby, could not be any more perfect for this role. Alby is a pulsating tangle of nerves, ready to explode at any minute. Ross seems to be able to rein in Alby’s outward behavior without ever letting his inner intensity subside, which makes him that much creepier. There are not a lot of closeted gay, maniacal prophets-in-waiting on television, but this guy hits it out of the park. In a lot of ways, he reminds me of Michael Emerson, who plays Ben Linus on Lost. I think it’s all in their eyes. If there were ever a pay-per-view event pitting Alby Grant vs. Ben Linus in a staring contest, they would have my money. Dick Clark could host. It would be weird.

While Alby’s out blowing joggers, Bill’s new business endeavor with the Blackfoot Indians is finally going to come to fruition. He’s got ads running on the local stations touting the grand opening of his Mormon-friendly casino, and he’s hopeful that it will be the cash cow his family needs in order to financially survive any unwelcome legal attention toward their lifestyle. Bill’s partners, Jerry and his son Tommy, aren’t super keen on polygamy and have had their doubts about the business partnership since the beginning, but keep pushing forward with the deal.

The relationship between Bill and Don with the Blackfoot folks is something I have had trouble with since last season. Throughout the entire process, Jerry has been suspicious of Bill’s motives for getting into the gaming business, as well as how his partnership with a polygamist will reflect on himself and his tribe, but he continues to move forward at every opportunity (not without his doubts, but he never pulls the plug on the deal despite the fact that he knows something doesn’t smell right). I can’t help but wonder how the casino deal is going to play out this season. It’s success wouldn’t just mean financial success for Jerry’s tribe, but it would solidify his business relationship with a man who he doesn’t completely trust. I guess if the money keeps rolling in without incident, it’s all good, but the odds of that happening are non-existent since there has never been a plotline in this show that has everybody with their hands clean. Let’s wait, shall we?

Up until this point it has yet to be addressed what has happened to The Prophet. We find out that people have been asking questions and the FBI is poking around the compound and the Hendrickson’s houses looking for answers. Juniper Creek’s trust has been taken by the state and until Roman is found it will remain under government control. It’s here that we meet Dale, the man in charge of the panel responsible for Juniper Creek’s trust. Hey he looks familiar. Oh yeah, it’s because he’s the guy Alby fucked in the park. Awkward!

Smash cut to Adaleene, as crazed as ever, calling Nikki out to the compound. She forces Nikki into the cellar and HOLY SHIT ROMAN’S BODY IS FROZEN IN THE BASEMENT! Adaleene says she found him weeks ago and didn’t know what to do with him, so of course she called Nikki, the child she doesn’t trust and has shunned and questioned every step of the series, to help her take care of it.

This led to my favorite scene of the episode. Nikki of course immediately goes to Alby with the information about their father. Alby, flanked by his co-conspiring wife now know for his father is dead and he is next in line to rule Juniper Creek. His wife is so ecstatic that she feverishly runs to the icebox and grabs a cold Coors Banquet beer. It’s time to celebrate. But Alby doesn’t have time to enjoy that Rocky Mountain refreshment. He’s got work to do.

Back in civilization, Lois is smuggling exotic birds into the country and making money hand over fist when in walks Frank, her ex-husband who she didn’t have the guts to finish off last season when she had a plastic bag over his face. Ah, love. Frank and his goon squad do their damnedest to take Lois out of the picture for good, but of course she carries a gun on her out in public, so that plan will have to wait for another day.

Alby’s had a hell of a day running into old flames and finding out his dad is dead and dreaming of taking control of the compound and taking down that icy cold Coors he’s got waiting for him at home, so he drags Roman’s body out into the desert where, SURPRISE, Bill’s construction worker finds him and lets Bill know that there’s very strange things afoot at the Circle K. Bill and the wives are on their way to the casino’s grand opening, but he and Nikki take a detour to get rid of Roman’s body so as not to arouse suspicion (yeah, I know). Barb and Margene take charge of the casino opening and everything ends up going smoothly, despite the crab legs not being on ice.

If I had never seen this show and was reading about all the goings on in the world of Big Love, I would think this show was bat-shit insane, which I guess is technically correct. But the show has done such a great job fleshing out all these characters over the last three seasons that none of it seems too out of place in the context of Juniper Creek and the Hendrickson family.

Hold on, kiddies. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

Things to ponder:

• New opening titles and music – yea or nay?
• Lois calls her female birds “clits” because “that’s what the Mexicans call them.” I don’t know where she got this info, but it’s hilarious.
• I now know that Mormons and Native Americans have a strained relationship based on the following piece of dialogue from Bill: “We need to be careful not to step on anybody’s moccasins.” Stay classy, Bill.
• Ben is in a Christian rock band. My wife’s reaction: “Jesus rock scares the shit out of me.”
• Barb proclaims that “nobody in Utah eats salmon!” Is this true?
• Bruce Dern looked older and deader than Roman’s dead body.

I'm Back!

2010-01-20T21:12:00.000-08:00

It's been over a year since I updated, but I'm back. Now that your lives have meaning again, you're welcome.

Are you a nuggnut?

2008-12-14T18:12:00.000-08:00

I don't understand the new McDonald's ad campaign for their chicken nuggets. The commercials are asking people to self-brand themselves as "Nuggnuts," as in being nuts about nuggets, as in being big fans of pieces of processed chicken parts served in paper containers by people who may or may not have an 8th grade education. The people depicted in the ads are engaging in activities that don't usually call for massive chicken nugget intake (weddings, backstage at concerts, fancy cocktail parties), but the people are scarfing down nuggets like they are filling up the hole where their dignity used to be.

The first thing I want to know is if somebody anywhere has ever had a wedding cake made of chicken nuggets. This decision doesn't just effect one person -- it is something that has to be agreed upon by that person and the person they are marrying. What are the odds of two chicken nugget cake wanting people finding each other in this mixed up world? I would imagine that the type of people who would take time to call up their wedding planner and request a chicken nugget cake not only deserve to be with each other, but should probably be segregated from the rest of society, as they are ridiculously out of touch with current trends in wedding cakes, and also have frosting for brains.

The ad that shows the chichi cocktail and appetizer party is equally perplexing. The ad shows high-society hipster types lounging around a Soho loft, no doubt regaling each other with stories of irony and turtlenecks. They are laughing and whooping it up and eating chicken nuggets served on sterling silver skewers, arranged lovingly on platters shaped like grape leaves. Had I been invited to this party I would have first asked, "where is the booze?" and then "why the fuck are you feeding us chicken nuggets? I thought we were your friends. Are you serious, or is this your sly attempt at postmodern mockery of modern cultural food artifacts and their dubious imposition on the social norms and practices of our everyday lives? Because either way, I can't believe you're feeding us fucking chicken nuggets."

If these ads are successful, and I do ever run into somebody who describes themselves as a Nuggnut, I will die a little inside. Of course, that will be after I strangle them with the sleeve of their turtleneck.

November 4, 2008

2008-11-05T13:47:00.000-08:00

For the first time in a long time, I am proud of my country.

I’ve always been proud to be an American and know how lucky I am to live in this country. But despite my national pride, I have been heartbroken by the things my country has done in the world and to its people.

For the past decade I have watched as my country has squandered much-needed goodwill from the rest of the world and quashed the will of many of its citizens. I’ve watched the nightly news telling me how horrible things are in this country without any real answers as to how we can make them better. I disrobe and reveal the contents of my pockets and luggage while in line at the airport all for the theatrical illusion of security. I read about illegal wiretaps being made legal because the government says they are imperative to our national health. I’ve seen the will of the people ignored and manipulated by tactics of fear and exploitation of the ideals of our citizens. I’ve seen civil liberties being delicately and strategically trampled on while officials tell us it’s for our own good. I’ve seen white and been told that I’m looking at black and it has slowly ground my pride down to an unrecognizable dull nub.

For a long time I’ve known in my heart that some of the things going on in the world are horrible and unfair and just plain wrong, but every day I feel more and more like I have less and less power to change them.

Today when I woke up, I felt a little different. I’m proud of you America. I’m proud of you for finally coming together and collectively saying “NO” to the road our country has been headed down for the past 8 years. For saying “YES” to the ideals that made this country great and standing up for them. For saying “NO” to the hierarchy of power that has turned our country into the debt-ridden, fear-mongering shadow of what it could be. For saying “YES” to choosing a different path and mustering up the will to believe that things can change.

We have elected a man to office who certainly has a lot of work to do to earn the trust that we have given him, but he was able to stand up and show us that we, the people, do not have to bow to ignorance and apathy anymore. Though there is still a lot of divisions within our country, this man cut through a lot of them and revealed to us that there is still hope in this world and there are people willing to fight for it.

I feel like I grew up a little today, and I feel like America did to. The clenched fist that has gripped our country for so long is losing its strength, and my generation has finally stood up and said that it does not want what this country has become, but rather to take it in a new direction of hope and prosperity. I know we want to be a country of maturity and morals and fairness, but we haven’t been shown that that is a possibility for a long time. We don’t have to be afraid that someone who is smarter than us is running the country. We don’t have to be afraid of change.

I’ve felt like an outsider for a long time. Like there aren’t a lot of other people who feel the same things I do about the world. Like my vision of the world has been the result of an internal malady. I don’t feel like that today.

There are a lot of things in this country -- and in the world -- that need to change. Today, I don’t feel like the enormity of those problems is something that is impossible to remedy. I feel good. I feel rejuvenated. I know there is a lot of work to be done, and for once, I’m not afraid of it.

The Onion Calls It

2008-11-04T09:47:00.001-08:00

All hail our new touchscreen overlord!!!

Voting Machines Elect One Of Their Own As President

AC/DC is back to help you save money and live better

2008-10-29T22:10:00.000-07:00

AC/DC, the rockin'est band ever to dress in schoolboy outfits and berets, has a new album out titled "Black Ice," which is kind of an awesome title (though not the awesomest). So far, it's been getting pretty solid reviews. I, for one, am excited by the prospect of hearing Angus Young and Brian Johnson throw a few more tasty riffs and growly vocals into their canon, but there is something I can't quite get past.

For those of you who are unaware, you can only buy "Black Ice" at Walmart. There hasn't been a lot of discussion about this in the popular (or unpopular) media, but doesn't shilling exclusively for the man make AC/DC, well, pretty goddamn lame?

MAVERICK!

2008-10-07T10:48:00.000-07:00

Today on CNN they were debating about whether Tina Fey's impersonation of Sarah Palin will help or hinder the McCain/Palin ticket come November 4. This brings up interesting questions. Is the parody of a person enough to influence the life of that actual person? When I tried out for Jeopardy! a few years ago, the talent wranglers told us that one of the most frequent questions Alex Trebek gets asked is whether or not he and Sean Connery really hate each other. This was a feud that was concocted in a writers room at Saturday Night Live, and was so successfully pervasive that it made its way into the public consciousness as a perceived fact. Dana Carvey's impression of George Bush Sr. was so good that he was invited to the White House to do his song and dance for the president himself.

I tend to agree with Ashleigh Banfield from the video. Tina Fey's impression may be the only dose of Gov. Palin that some of the public is getting. People don't watch a whole lot of news (generally speaking, of course) and Tina Fey's impression is so entertaining that she may actually become Sarah Palin in the minds of some Americans. So, if the McCain/Palin ticket is defeated in the election, what will Americans remember most about Gov. Palin in the coming years? Will they remember her policies and the mini scandals that are being dredged up before the election, or will they only remember Tina Fey with her hair in a bun playing the flute? What will I remember? Joe Biden giving me the "Shooter."

Something important I learned this weekend

2008-10-06T01:23:00.000-07:00

I work at a movie theater/bar/restaurant, and it allows me the opportunity to meet up with a cross section of people I may not otherwise come into contact with unless I spent my days at Walmart and various restaurants that serve appetizers with "fusion sauce." I learned a very important lesson this weekend that I think will serve humanity well in the coming months and years.

1. Children love movies about Chihuahuas.

"Beverly Hills Chihuahua" had a freaking amazing opening at our theater this weekend, as well as American cinemas in general. On Sunday, "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" made more than 6 times the amount of money any of the other movies at our theater made. Who does Disney and Hollywood have to thank for this? Children, of course. Mostly children of Mexican descent who somehow made their parents bring them to see a bunch of pissant dogs talking like people, but with more pronounced accents.

On a side note, this is how I see the pitch meeting for this movie going:

White pitch guy 1: "Well, you see, we're gonna have a bunch of chihuahua dogs on film, pretty much the entire time. The star is going to be this really rich dog, like Paris Hilton's dog or something. The dog will get lost in Mexico and have to find its way back to civilization and out of that dirty, dirty hole of a country."
White pitch guy 2: "But the kicker is, and get ready for this -- the dogs actually talk! With Mexican accents! People love it when things that don't talk talk! It pretty much writes itself!"
White Movie Exec: "So, you're going to have the main dog talk with a Mexican accent?"
White pitch guys 1&2, in unison: "Oh, god no!!! We're gonna make that dog's voice as white as possible. This is the hero dog. We'll get Drew Barrymore or someone like that. Some white woman who could never be mistaken for an actual Mexican person."
White Movie Exec: "Whew. OK then. Sounds great. Looks like we have a winner on our hands. Who wants to join me for a bourbon and a rub and tug? My treat."

Fat People Love Gum

2008-09-30T20:38:00.000-07:00

"The Biggest Loser," in addition to making me feel better about my own body (in the first few weeks before they get all skinny anyway) has taught me a few things in tonight's episode:

1) Fatties do not like camping.

The crew was given a chance to camp for a week in the Grand Canyon and they spent the whole time talking about the bugs and how the cots they were sleeping on didn't have outlets for their hair dryers. Cry me a gravy river.

2) Fat people cry a lot.

So far 4 people have cried and I'm only halfway through the episode. The producers must hold their loved ones and pets off-camera and hold knives to their throats. I'm not buying the outbursts.

3) Product placement is paramount

Extra Gum, Ziplock Bags, Jenny-O Turkey, Jayco RVs, and 24-Hour Fitness all have cash invested in this show. The brand names are plastered all over this show, in addition to advertisements during the breaks. Depending on where the product placements are in the show, how they are used, their duration during the program, and where the ads are placed during the commercial breaks, the effectiveness of the branding could go a lot of ways. I would love to know how the sales of Extra Gum are the day after these shows.

4) The editor for this show is getting WAY too predictable.

Here is every edit before the commercial break.
-Fat people stand around.
-Alison Sweeney says something lame, but meant to be shocking.
-Voice over from one of the contestants saying something to the effect of: "we didn't know what was going to happen" (usually in a southern accent).
-Close-up of fat person looking into the distance with look of awe, always in slow-mo.
-Cut to Ziplock commercial.

P.S. -- I love this show.

Much Like the Ninja ...

2008-09-30T12:01:00.001-07:00

... we must make the most of our environment. When life puts up a roadblock, you do not need to always stop, but find a way around it and continue on your journey. There are numerous things that get in the way of us reaching our full potentials, so we must use the resources at our disposal to find creative ways of achieving our goals.

Here is a crab riding a jellyfish.

The Media Love Gays

2008-09-24T22:17:00.000-07:00

This week there were lead stories on major news Internet sites declaring that both Lindsay Lohan and Clay Aiken admitted (in one way or another) that they are gay.

My wife and I had a discussion last night about whether or not celebrities admitting their sexual orientations (when it is anything other than heterosexuality) is a good or bad thing in the context of social outcomes. Does Clay Aiken admitting his homosexuality encourage other people to embrace their own non-traditional sexual orientations when they might not otherwise have the courage to do so? Does hearing Lindsay Lohan talk about her relationship with Samantha Ronson make it more socially acceptable for other lesbians to come out of the closet?

I don't know the answers to these questions, but it's fascinating to me that large media outlets find coming out of the closet a front page story. I know that society at large has a hand in promoting celebrity stories to the top of the news feed, but it doesn't seem like something so personal should constitute national news. I'm don't have a full grasp on the infinite significance of media + sexuality + social implications, but it all seems really weird to me. I'm glad that we live in an age where it is becoming increasingly acceptable for people to express themselves the way they want to in respect to their sexuality, but putting a spotlight on it seems to separate it further than it needs to be. And really, did anybody think that Clay Aiken wasn't gay?

How to get a job acting on "Gossip Girl"

2008-09-15T22:57:00.000-07:00

1. Grow huge 19th-century hypnotist eyebrows and glare at everything with stoned incredulity.

2. Be a tough guy ... again with eyebrows in defiance of God's plan.

3. Draw the ire of fellow celebrities with vapid stories of on-set shenanigans.

4. Be a total douche.

Cell Phones

2008-09-15T20:41:00.000-07:00

The Metrolink train crash in Los Angeles a few days ago may very well have been caused because the engineer was using his cell phone when he should have been heeding a red light. 25 people died in the crash. Earlier this year in California (as well as other states) it became illegal to speak on a cell phone without a hands-free device while driving a car. There was very little opposition to this law because people understood that talking on cell phones is a distraction and there need to be consequences in place for those who put others in harm's way.

A friend of mine who lives in Texas sent out a Facebook message today to inform everybody that she was not ignoring them, but that Hurricane Ike had disrupted cell phone service and she was unable to get in contact with anybody with her phone. I can imagine that there are people who thought she was ignoring them, because caller ID has made it possible to screen all calls and filter out contact with undesirables.

I look at my own habits and psychological attachments to modern technologies and wonder whether or not they are ultimately making my life easier or worse. If I didn't have a cell phone I would save myself over $900/year. It may or may not be giving me brain cancer and I can't remember anybody's phone number anymore. I can barely understand my half the conversations I have because of weak signals on either end of the line and I end up having to make three to four phone calls to finish one conversation.

BUT ... I wouldn't be able to drunk dial high school friends late at night and let them know what I'm doing with their moms. That's priceless.

F. Scott Fitzgerald Approves

2008-09-12T22:22:00.000-07:00

Comedy is one of those things that is not easily quantified. What makes one person spew laughter may make another pucker in repulsion. One thing everybody can agree on ... there is nothing funnier than a puppet making masturbation jokes.

Dumplings and Pigskin

2008-09-08T17:49:00.000-07:00

The in-laws came into town this weekend and we showed them Boulder the way it's supposed to be shown. By that I mean we made them take us out to eat a bunch of times. New favorite food: Gnocchi (pronounced "noh-key"). It's Italian dumplings and it's amazing. It came with a wild boar ragu. Eating it, I felt like a really fancy Venetian mountain man. I also felt slightly more redneckish than usual since I had -- A) never eaten this food before, and B) never even heard of it. While most people surrounding my table at reputable Italian eateries are ordering delicious tongue twisters like Cassoela D'Anatra and Tacchinella Ripiena, I'm struggling to remember that two Cs make a "chuh" sound.

On an extremely important note, my dungeons and dragons sports season started yesterday (fantasy football) and The Papageorgios are well on their way to turning some virtual heads this year. Big shout-out to Greg for not starting Brett Favre this week in favor of the time-tested arm of Carson Palmer. Thanks bunches.

Giants 16, Redskins 7

2008-09-05T00:37:00.000-07:00

All is right on opening day as the G-Men handled the 'Skins with poise and grace. Plaxico looked amped to be making $11 million this year and Eli looked pretty good for a goofball. Who knows how the defensive front is going to be with the loss of Strahan to retirement and Umenyiora out for the season with a bum leg, but they looked pretty damn good tonight for an opening game.

On a similar note, the front page of the New York Giants Web site is advertising Giants-themed Tiffany & Co. Jewelry to commemorate their Super Bowl XLII victory. Nothing says class like a crystal football helmet, or a $1,350 white gold pendant. Slightly trashy is getting more expensive.

New Job

2008-09-05T00:17:00.000-07:00

The wife and I recently moved to Colorado and I got a bartending gig outside of Denver at a movie theater/restaurant/bar. It's a cool place with nice people, but I can't help but think that a master's degree makes me slightly overqualified. Oh, well. If the money's right, the money's right.

I can't wait for the money to be right.

Pepper Jack Loves Fraggle Rock

2008-09-05T00:06:00.000-07:00

In honor of the upcoming season premiere of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," here's a favorite moment of mine. To set the scene a little bit, Sweet Dee and Dennis are trying to catch a prostitute killer by having Dee dress up like a hooker while Dennis waits in the bushes. The following ensues:

Welcome to my cyber mind ...

2008-09-04T22:44:00.000-07:00

... not as if my mind is that of a robot's, but like this site holds the remnants of my thoughts as told through cyberspace. The external stimuli from the physical world makes its way into my inner workings, be it through firing synapses or some other primordial, less palpable form, and the whole of my existence flavors the subsequent feelings and thoughts that pulse through my soul, which I use an imperfect language to describe to the rest of humanity. This site is the course for the vessel of my mind, a tangible filter for my life in an intangible form.

And cartoons. I'll post cartoons here as well.

This is one of my favorite things ever.