The big digital transfer

I'm beginning the process of removing all the blog posts from my old Myspace blog (Remember Myspace? It was totes kewl!) so I can finally delete that sumbitch. So I will periodically be re-publishing "classic blogposts" right here on this site. Exciting! Here's the first of many:

(Originally posted March 6, 2007) - "I liked Incesticide better"


I have a burn on my ass cheek.

Let me start over.

I got to work early this morning to get a few things done before I taught my 8 am class. It was around 6:30 or so and I had a cup of coffee in one hand, New York Times crossword puzzle in the other, and nary a care in the world. I threw my stuff down on my desk and decided that it was as good a time as any to head to the head and start my morning off with a nice, cleansing bowel movement.

Being so early in the morning, the cleaning crew had just finished spicking and spanning the tile and there was a nice, pungent ammonia smell wafting through the stalls. My favorite toilet was vacant, so right away I was pleased with how things were going.

I don't know why, but I like the stall that is fourth over from the wall. It is behind the wall enough that you can't see it from the main part of the men's restroom, but not so far off the beaten path that you worry about seeing some underclassman snorting coke off the tile. It's the perfect spot, with stall graffiti just vulgar enough to keep me coming back again and again.

So I sit down, get through about half of the puzzle, then I finish my business and head back to my desk to grade a few papers I should have graded three days earlier. I put the crossword away for later, take a few sips of coffee and sit down at my desk. I start grading some incompetent student's assignment when I notice that my right ass cheek just doesn't feel right. At first I thought to myself, 'crap. I got some splashback and now I'm all wet and sticky.' I immediately dismissed this as the feeling in my ass cheek moved from curious to slightly painful. I decided maybe my wallet was poking me at a funny angle, so I took it out and laid it on the desk next to my cup of coffee. This helped nothing.

So now, what had started out as a sort of innocuous inconvenience had progressed past discomfort and on to being a literal pain in the ass. My mind was starting to reel and I was thinking of all the possible causes for this discomfort and dismissing them just as quickly.

Tack on my chair? No, that feels nothing like this. Snake bite? I think I would have noticed that. Government-sanctioned laser beam aimed from hundreds of miles in space directly at my butt? Probably not.

What the fuck is going on and why does my ass cheek suddenly feel like it's on the business end of a cattle brand?

I went back in the bathroom, but by this time there were a few other people milling around the building and I couldn't risk being caught in the middle of the men's room, pants wrapped around my ankles, checking my ass out in the mirror. I went back in the stall, took my pants down and felt my cheek with my hand. It didn't feel wet or bloody or anything like that, but it was definitely a lot smoother than usual in one particular area. By this time the pain had receded to a mild discomfort and I was panicking less, but still confused. I put my pants back on, went back to the office and finished up my work before I had to head to class.

Fast-forward to a few hours ago. This morning's happenings had all but faded in the back of my mind when I sat down on the couch at a weird angle and noticed the pain was back again. With no roommates home and being in no danger of somebody seeing me look at my butt in the mirror like some steroid freak looking for a good ass vein to stick, I went in the bathroom and dropped my pants in front of the mirror. I have a burn on my ass. A chemical burn from the bleach they used to clean the toilets at school. Obviously, the nice lady with the Medusa hair and hot pink jumpsuit who cleans the men's room every morning didn't quite wipe all the chemicals off the seat in my favorite stall before I decided to make it my temporary place of business this morning. I now have a bleach burn on my ass, as well as a need to find a new favorite stall.

Mondays blow.

Big Love Season 4, Episode 2 - "The Greater Good"

After last week’s episode brought us up to speed on the goings on surrounding Bill Hendrickson and his merry band of Faithketeers, the second episode of the season is diving head first into some of the main conflicts brought to light last week.

We open on a hearing by Representative Colburn, denouncing the practice of polygamy and the state’s lackadaisical attitude toward it. Colburn is running for state senate and will be damned if he’s going to leave this hot-button issue alone. Bill is in attendance at the hearing and decides he wants to run against Colburn in order to defend “The Principle” against zealots like Colburn who know little or nothing about the plight of Bill and the people of Juniper Creek. Sarah’s priceless reaction to Bill’s news: “Another day, another revelation.”

Clearly there are people in the family who have problems with Bill’s new pet project, particularly the three wives, seeing as how they are already stretched thin with Hendrickson Home Plus, Blackfoot Casino, and this whole crazy mess of a life they lead. No one is as staunchly against this idea than Margene, who has shown a little more backbone this season in matters of how the house is run and who plays what role within the family. We find out that Margene is on track to make over $130k this year selling her little bibelots (I learned this word this week and I’m using it, so deal with it) on TV, so her sense of self-worth is through the roof right now. I expect that before this is all over, she’ll get taken down a peg by somebody (probably Nikki).

Speaking of Nikki, she’s none too pleased that her ex-husband J.J. has been hanging around and gets even more irate when Bill invites J.J. and his cancer-stricken wife over for dinner. They discuss what will be best for their daughter Cara Lynn, but end up being as civil as bears fighting over a the last bit of lost hiker. They clearly have major issues with each other, and Nikki having been picked out of the Joy Book by J.J., which he now wants to put Cara Lynn into, isn’t gaining him any favors from anybody. Also, J.J. has no fingernails. Discuss.

While the family’s faith continues to put them in crisis, Sarah’s crisis of faith is bubbling over and she decides that instead of hemming and hawing over what she thinks is going to be acceptable to her family in terms of a church wedding, she and Scott say fuck it and decide to get married by the justice of the peace. Sarah tries to enlist brother Ben and estranged friend Heather to witness their nuptials, but neither is crazy about the situation. When she tells cashier Heather the news while sitting in the drive-thru, Heather responds with “Congratulations. Your total is $4.68.” Her bitterness over Sarah’s life choices in the last few seasons (drinking, having sex, bailing out on going to college together) isn’t something she’s willing to forgive, but she does promise to be there for her friend. Ben has a similar reaction when hearing the news, and when he sees what Sarah’s drink of choice is at dinner he disgustedly questions, “Is that wine? I gotta go,” though he reluctantly agrees to be there for his sister.

I have always enjoyed the dynamic of Ben and Sarah and am curious how their relationship will progress now that she has decided to formally shun the teachings of The Principle. Ben has slowly but surely grown closer to his faith, though not always in the most reasonable or mature fashion. He fully believes that life and faith are inextricably joined, though I don’t think he understands the ramifications of that viewpoint. Sarah sees the bad things that faith has done to her family, but seems blind to the immediate positive aspects of it (community support, sense of something larger than yourself, plenty of raisin salad). I guess this is something that happens in a lot of families where one sibling rejects the views of their parents while another is drawn to them. Ben and Sarah have been carving out their respective identities over the past three seasons and it seems like this could be the season where they will have to decide what kind of people they really are.

All of this action leads up to the burial of Roman Grant, the prophet of Juniper Creek. As Alby mentally prepares to take over the reins of the compound, Adaleen reminds him that nobody is fit to fill Roman’s boots. Nikki takes the opportunity to tell Bill that she never really believed that her father was the true prophet and that he should take that crown instead of focusing on this silly state senate business, but Bill has decided that not only will he will run for state senate, but he will do so as a polygamist (most likely a republican polygamist). Sarah makes a last-ditch effort to convince Bill that getting married is what she needs to do and that she needs to do it her way and Bill ends up surprising everybody by allowing the wedding to happen in their backyard, and the whole family gets to look on as Sarah and Scott say their “I dos.”

Now that Sarah and her beloved are joined by the state, she seems to have reached a level of understanding with her family. I have three theories about what may or may not happen to her in the future:

1) Her family will live in relative peace with her life decisions and allow her to live the way she wants, religious or not.
2) The Barb Hendrickson Guilt Committee will hold regular meetings to entice Sarah to nurture her spiritual existence, driving Sarah and Scott further away, possibly out of the state.
3) FBI will pump her and Scott for information about her family, driving a stake between the Hendricksons. Whether or not she gives them the info they need will twist the story in any number of directions.

All in all this was a surprisingly sweet ending for a show that often relies on soap opera-esque cliffhangers to entice viewers to tune in next week. It’s a nice reminder that despite the circumstances of their lives, the Hendricksons are a family who cares about each other to put aside difference in order to do what’s right … sometimes.

Looking back on these last two episodes, I’m truly confounded by the sheer number of storylines intersecting through the lives of the main characters of Big Love, as well as how each individual member of the story is connected to each other (J.J. is Wanda’s brother!?). It gives the story that heightened level of drama we’ve come to expect from a series as ambitious as any other on TV, but it can sometimes be in danger of seeming outlandish. Anybody and everybody in the real world has their share of stresses and sticky situations that intersect with the lives of those around them, but the level to which these stories are growing is not only getting hard to keep track of, but bordering on absurdity. As always, I give the writers of the series enough credit and trust to make the right choices for the story. I think we’re just in the metaphorical thick of the series, and the outlook to us casual viewers is murky at best.


Parting thoughts:
• Alby’s new “friend” Dave is a mentor at an organization called “Alignment” which teaches young boys how to not be gay. I’d say he needs to have his accreditation reviewed.
• Seriously, why doesn’t J.J. have fingernails?
• Congrats to Chloe Sevigny on winning the Golden Globe for her portrayal of Nikki. Nobody plays cloying polygamist harpy quite like her. Kudos!

Frankenstein Wednesdays

Listen up Kiddos. It's good for you.


UPDATE:
Well, I can't get the goddamn music player to embed to my blog, so head over to www.vampireweekend.com and you can stream the new album "Contra" in its entirety.

Big Love Season 4, Ep. 1 - "Free at Last"

It’s been a long wait, but the fourth season of Big Love is here and there is no shortage of intrigue, manipulation and disquiet weaving its way through the tangled web that is the lives of the Hendrickson family.

First, a quick recap. When we last left our favorite polygamists and the daily rigmarole they suffer through in the name of keeping the faith, Bill’s brother Joey had killed Roman in retribution for the death of his would-be second wife, Nikki’s daughter (who literally came out of nowhere) showed up unannounced on Nikki’s doorstep seeking refuge from her father and life on the compound, Nikki had all but been shunned by Bill for her backdoor dealings with her father and (almost) affair with the DA, Sarah had all but disavowed the polygamist lifestyle and made plans to marry her boyfriend, Margene was selling knickknacks on TV to try and help the family make ends meet, Barb had been excommunicated from the Mormon church, and Bill was spinning deeper and deeper into an unraveling madness trying to juggle his family, his business, his faith, and all the messes he keeps creating.

We open on the Hendrickson family taking part in their very own church service, away from the prying eyes of the FBI and all the rest of us sinners. They are joined by Bill’s crew-cutted partner Don, as well as daughter Sarah (minus her fiancé) who informs Barb that she might be getting married in the United Church of Christ – news that Barb manages to contain all her excitement about.

While the Hendricksons are giving thanks to God, Alby is in the park giving thanks for all the hot dudes working out within range of his binoculars. He gets approached by a man who questions Alby’s presence in the park and subtly suggests that he follow him into the heavy brush for a little afternoon delight, and Alby almost jumps out of his khaki shorts while making a beeline to the bushes.

SIDE NOTE: Matt Ross, the actor who plays Alby, could not be any more perfect for this role. Alby is a pulsating tangle of nerves, ready to explode at any minute. Ross seems to be able to rein in Alby’s outward behavior without ever letting his inner intensity subside, which makes him that much creepier. There are not a lot of closeted gay, maniacal prophets-in-waiting on television, but this guy hits it out of the park. In a lot of ways, he reminds me of Michael Emerson, who plays Ben Linus on Lost. I think it’s all in their eyes. If there were ever a pay-per-view event pitting Alby Grant vs. Ben Linus in a staring contest, they would have my money. Dick Clark could host. It would be weird.

While Alby’s out blowing joggers, Bill’s new business endeavor with the Blackfoot Indians is finally going to come to fruition. He’s got ads running on the local stations touting the grand opening of his Mormon-friendly casino, and he’s hopeful that it will be the cash cow his family needs in order to financially survive any unwelcome legal attention toward their lifestyle. Bill’s partners, Jerry and his son Tommy, aren’t super keen on polygamy and have had their doubts about the business partnership since the beginning, but keep pushing forward with the deal.

The relationship between Bill and Don with the Blackfoot folks is something I have had trouble with since last season. Throughout the entire process, Jerry has been suspicious of Bill’s motives for getting into the gaming business, as well as how his partnership with a polygamist will reflect on himself and his tribe, but he continues to move forward at every opportunity (not without his doubts, but he never pulls the plug on the deal despite the fact that he knows something doesn’t smell right). I can’t help but wonder how the casino deal is going to play out this season. It’s success wouldn’t just mean financial success for Jerry’s tribe, but it would solidify his business relationship with a man who he doesn’t completely trust. I guess if the money keeps rolling in without incident, it’s all good, but the odds of that happening are non-existent since there has never been a plotline in this show that has everybody with their hands clean. Let’s wait, shall we?

Up until this point it has yet to be addressed what has happened to The Prophet. We find out that people have been asking questions and the FBI is poking around the compound and the Hendrickson’s houses looking for answers. Juniper Creek’s trust has been taken by the state and until Roman is found it will remain under government control. It’s here that we meet Dale, the man in charge of the panel responsible for Juniper Creek’s trust. Hey he looks familiar. Oh yeah, it’s because he’s the guy Alby fucked in the park. Awkward!

Smash cut to Adaleene, as crazed as ever, calling Nikki out to the compound. She forces Nikki into the cellar and HOLY SHIT ROMAN’S BODY IS FROZEN IN THE BASEMENT! Adaleene says she found him weeks ago and didn’t know what to do with him, so of course she called Nikki, the child she doesn’t trust and has shunned and questioned every step of the series, to help her take care of it.

This led to my favorite scene of the episode. Nikki of course immediately goes to Alby with the information about their father. Alby, flanked by his co-conspiring wife now know for his father is dead and he is next in line to rule Juniper Creek. His wife is so ecstatic that she feverishly runs to the icebox and grabs a cold Coors Banquet beer. It’s time to celebrate. But Alby doesn’t have time to enjoy that Rocky Mountain refreshment. He’s got work to do.

Back in civilization, Lois is smuggling exotic birds into the country and making money hand over fist when in walks Frank, her ex-husband who she didn’t have the guts to finish off last season when she had a plastic bag over his face. Ah, love. Frank and his goon squad do their damnedest to take Lois out of the picture for good, but of course she carries a gun on her out in public, so that plan will have to wait for another day.

Alby’s had a hell of a day running into old flames and finding out his dad is dead and dreaming of taking control of the compound and taking down that icy cold Coors he’s got waiting for him at home, so he drags Roman’s body out into the desert where, SURPRISE, Bill’s construction worker finds him and lets Bill know that there’s very strange things afoot at the Circle K. Bill and the wives are on their way to the casino’s grand opening, but he and Nikki take a detour to get rid of Roman’s body so as not to arouse suspicion (yeah, I know). Barb and Margene take charge of the casino opening and everything ends up going smoothly, despite the crab legs not being on ice.

If I had never seen this show and was reading about all the goings on in the world of Big Love, I would think this show was bat-shit insane, which I guess is technically correct. But the show has done such a great job fleshing out all these characters over the last three seasons that none of it seems too out of place in the context of Juniper Creek and the Hendrickson family.

Hold on, kiddies. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride.


Things to ponder:

• New opening titles and music – yea or nay?
• Lois calls her female birds “clits” because “that’s what the Mexicans call them.” I don’t know where she got this info, but it’s hilarious.
• I now know that Mormons and Native Americans have a strained relationship based on the following piece of dialogue from Bill: “We need to be careful not to step on anybody’s moccasins.” Stay classy, Bill.
• Ben is in a Christian rock band. My wife’s reaction: “Jesus rock scares the shit out of me.”
• Barb proclaims that “nobody in Utah eats salmon!” Is this true?
• Bruce Dern looked older and deader than Roman’s dead body.

I'm Back!

It's been over a year since I updated, but I'm back. Now that your lives have meaning again, you're welcome.