Are you a nuggnut?

I don't understand the new McDonald's ad campaign for their chicken nuggets. The commercials are asking people to self-brand themselves as "Nuggnuts," as in being nuts about nuggets, as in being big fans of pieces of processed chicken parts served in paper containers by people who may or may not have an 8th grade education. The people depicted in the ads are engaging in activities that don't usually call for massive chicken nugget intake (weddings, backstage at concerts, fancy cocktail parties), but the people are scarfing down nuggets like they are filling up the hole where their dignity used to be.

The first thing I want to know is if somebody anywhere has ever had a wedding cake made of chicken nuggets. This decision doesn't just effect one person -- it is something that has to be agreed upon by that person and the person they are marrying. What are the odds of two chicken nugget cake wanting people finding each other in this mixed up world? I would imagine that the type of people who would take time to call up their wedding planner and request a chicken nugget cake not only deserve to be with each other, but should probably be segregated from the rest of society, as they are ridiculously out of touch with current trends in wedding cakes, and also have frosting for brains.

The ad that shows the chichi cocktail and appetizer party is equally perplexing. The ad shows high-society hipster types lounging around a Soho loft, no doubt regaling each other with stories of irony and turtlenecks. They are laughing and whooping it up and eating chicken nuggets served on sterling silver skewers, arranged lovingly on platters shaped like grape leaves. Had I been invited to this party I would have first asked, "where is the booze?" and then "why the fuck are you feeding us chicken nuggets? I thought we were your friends. Are you serious, or is this your sly attempt at postmodern mockery of modern cultural food artifacts and their dubious imposition on the social norms and practices of our everyday lives? Because either way, I can't believe you're feeding us fucking chicken nuggets."

If these ads are successful, and I do ever run into somebody who describes themselves as a Nuggnut, I will die a little inside. Of course, that will be after I strangle them with the sleeve of their turtleneck.

November 4, 2008

For the first time in a long time, I am proud of my country.

I’ve always been proud to be an American and know how lucky I am to live in this country. But despite my national pride, I have been heartbroken by the things my country has done in the world and to its people.

For the past decade I have watched as my country has squandered much-needed goodwill from the rest of the world and quashed the will of many of its citizens. I’ve watched the nightly news telling me how horrible things are in this country without any real answers as to how we can make them better. I disrobe and reveal the contents of my pockets and luggage while in line at the airport all for the theatrical illusion of security. I read about illegal wiretaps being made legal because the government says they are imperative to our national health. I’ve seen the will of the people ignored and manipulated by tactics of fear and exploitation of the ideals of our citizens. I’ve seen civil liberties being delicately and strategically trampled on while officials tell us it’s for our own good. I’ve seen white and been told that I’m looking at black and it has slowly ground my pride down to an unrecognizable dull nub.

For a long time I’ve known in my heart that some of the things going on in the world are horrible and unfair and just plain wrong, but every day I feel more and more like I have less and less power to change them.

Today when I woke up, I felt a little different. I’m proud of you America. I’m proud of you for finally coming together and collectively saying “NO” to the road our country has been headed down for the past 8 years. For saying “YES” to the ideals that made this country great and standing up for them. For saying “NO” to the hierarchy of power that has turned our country into the debt-ridden, fear-mongering shadow of what it could be. For saying “YES” to choosing a different path and mustering up the will to believe that things can change.

We have elected a man to office who certainly has a lot of work to do to earn the trust that we have given him, but he was able to stand up and show us that we, the people, do not have to bow to ignorance and apathy anymore. Though there is still a lot of divisions within our country, this man cut through a lot of them and revealed to us that there is still hope in this world and there are people willing to fight for it.

I feel like I grew up a little today, and I feel like America did to. The clenched fist that has gripped our country for so long is losing its strength, and my generation has finally stood up and said that it does not want what this country has become, but rather to take it in a new direction of hope and prosperity. I know we want to be a country of maturity and morals and fairness, but we haven’t been shown that that is a possibility for a long time. We don’t have to be afraid that someone who is smarter than us is running the country. We don’t have to be afraid of change.

I’ve felt like an outsider for a long time. Like there aren’t a lot of other people who feel the same things I do about the world. Like my vision of the world has been the result of an internal malady. I don’t feel like that today.

There are a lot of things in this country -- and in the world -- that need to change. Today, I don’t feel like the enormity of those problems is something that is impossible to remedy. I feel good. I feel rejuvenated. I know there is a lot of work to be done, and for once, I’m not afraid of it.

The Onion Calls It

All hail our new touchscreen overlord!!!


Voting Machines Elect One Of Their Own As President

AC/DC is back to help you save money and live better

AC/DC, the rockin'est band ever to dress in schoolboy outfits and berets, has a new album out titled "Black Ice," which is kind of an awesome title (though not the awesomest). So far, it's been getting pretty solid reviews. I, for one, am excited by the prospect of hearing Angus Young and Brian Johnson throw a few more tasty riffs and growly vocals into their canon, but there is something I can't quite get past.

For those of you who are unaware, you can only buy "Black Ice" at Walmart. There hasn't been a lot of discussion about this in the popular (or unpopular) media, but doesn't shilling exclusively for the man make AC/DC, well, pretty goddamn lame?

MAVERICK!

Today on CNN they were debating about whether Tina Fey's impersonation of Sarah Palin will help or hinder the McCain/Palin ticket come November 4. This brings up interesting questions. Is the parody of a person enough to influence the life of that actual person? When I tried out for Jeopardy! a few years ago, the talent wranglers told us that one of the most frequent questions Alex Trebek gets asked is whether or not he and Sean Connery really hate each other. This was a feud that was concocted in a writers room at Saturday Night Live, and was so successfully pervasive that it made its way into the public consciousness as a perceived fact. Dana Carvey's impression of George Bush Sr. was so good that he was invited to the White House to do his song and dance for the president himself.

I tend to agree with Ashleigh Banfield from the video. Tina Fey's impression may be the only dose of Gov. Palin that some of the public is getting. People don't watch a whole lot of news (generally speaking, of course) and Tina Fey's impression is so entertaining that she may actually become Sarah Palin in the minds of some Americans. So, if the McCain/Palin ticket is defeated in the election, what will Americans remember most about Gov. Palin in the coming years? Will they remember her policies and the mini scandals that are being dredged up before the election, or will they only remember Tina Fey with her hair in a bun playing the flute? What will I remember? Joe Biden giving me the "Shooter."

Something important I learned this weekend

I work at a movie theater/bar/restaurant, and it allows me the opportunity to meet up with a cross section of people I may not otherwise come into contact with unless I spent my days at Walmart and various restaurants that serve appetizers with "fusion sauce." I learned a very important lesson this weekend that I think will serve humanity well in the coming months and years.

1. Children love movies about Chihuahuas.

"Beverly Hills Chihuahua" had a freaking amazing opening at our theater this weekend, as well as American cinemas in general. On Sunday, "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" made more than 6 times the amount of money any of the other movies at our theater made. Who does Disney and Hollywood have to thank for this? Children, of course. Mostly children of Mexican descent who somehow made their parents bring them to see a bunch of pissant dogs talking like people, but with more pronounced accents.

On a side note, this is how I see the pitch meeting for this movie going:

White pitch guy 1: "Well, you see, we're gonna have a bunch of chihuahua dogs on film, pretty much the entire time. The star is going to be this really rich dog, like Paris Hilton's dog or something. The dog will get lost in Mexico and have to find its way back to civilization and out of that dirty, dirty hole of a country."
White pitch guy 2: "But the kicker is, and get ready for this -- the dogs actually talk! With Mexican accents! People love it when things that don't talk talk! It pretty much writes itself!"
White Movie Exec: "So, you're going to have the main dog talk with a Mexican accent?"
White pitch guys 1&2, in unison: "Oh, god no!!! We're gonna make that dog's voice as white as possible. This is the hero dog. We'll get Drew Barrymore or someone like that. Some white woman who could never be mistaken for an actual Mexican person."
White Movie Exec: "Whew. OK then. Sounds great. Looks like we have a winner on our hands. Who wants to join me for a bourbon and a rub and tug? My treat."

Fat People Love Gum

"The Biggest Loser," in addition to making me feel better about my own body (in the first few weeks before they get all skinny anyway) has taught me a few things in tonight's episode:

1) Fatties do not like camping.

The crew was given a chance to camp for a week in the Grand Canyon and they spent the whole time talking about the bugs and how the cots they were sleeping on didn't have outlets for their hair dryers. Cry me a gravy river.

2) Fat people cry a lot.

So far 4 people have cried and I'm only halfway through the episode. The producers must hold their loved ones and pets off-camera and hold knives to their throats. I'm not buying the outbursts.

3) Product placement is paramount

Extra Gum, Ziplock Bags, Jenny-O Turkey, Jayco RVs, and 24-Hour Fitness all have cash invested in this show. The brand names are plastered all over this show, in addition to advertisements during the breaks. Depending on where the product placements are in the show, how they are used, their duration during the program, and where the ads are placed during the commercial breaks, the effectiveness of the branding could go a lot of ways. I would love to know how the sales of Extra Gum are the day after these shows.

4) The editor for this show is getting WAY too predictable.

Here is every edit before the commercial break.
-Fat people stand around.
-Alison Sweeney says something lame, but meant to be shocking.
-Voice over from one of the contestants saying something to the effect of: "we didn't know what was going to happen" (usually in a southern accent).
-Close-up of fat person looking into the distance with look of awe, always in slow-mo.
-Cut to Ziplock commercial.

P.S. -- I love this show.

Much Like the Ninja ...

... we must make the most of our environment. When life puts up a roadblock, you do not need to always stop, but find a way around it and continue on your journey. There are numerous things that get in the way of us reaching our full potentials, so we must use the resources at our disposal to find creative ways of achieving our goals.

Here is a crab riding a jellyfish.

The Media Love Gays

This week there were lead stories on major news Internet sites declaring that both Lindsay Lohan and Clay Aiken admitted (in one way or another) that they are gay.

My wife and I had a discussion last night about whether or not celebrities admitting their sexual orientations (when it is anything other than heterosexuality) is a good or bad thing in the context of social outcomes. Does Clay Aiken admitting his homosexuality encourage other people to embrace their own non-traditional sexual orientations when they might not otherwise have the courage to do so? Does hearing Lindsay Lohan talk about her relationship with Samantha Ronson make it more socially acceptable for other lesbians to come out of the closet?

I don't know the answers to these questions, but it's fascinating to me that large media outlets find coming out of the closet a front page story. I know that society at large has a hand in promoting celebrity stories to the top of the news feed, but it doesn't seem like something so personal should constitute national news. I'm don't have a full grasp on the infinite significance of media + sexuality + social implications, but it all seems really weird to me. I'm glad that we live in an age where it is becoming increasingly acceptable for people to express themselves the way they want to in respect to their sexuality, but putting a spotlight on it seems to separate it further than it needs to be. And really, did anybody think that Clay Aiken wasn't gay?

How to get a job acting on "Gossip Girl"

1. Grow huge 19th-century hypnotist eyebrows and glare at everything with stoned incredulity.

2. Be a tough guy ... again with eyebrows in defiance of God's plan.

3. Draw the ire of fellow celebrities with vapid stories of on-set shenanigans.




4. Be a total douche.

Cell Phones

The Metrolink train crash in Los Angeles a few days ago may very well have been caused because the engineer was using his cell phone when he should have been heeding a red light. 25 people died in the crash. Earlier this year in California (as well as other states) it became illegal to speak on a cell phone without a hands-free device while driving a car. There was very little opposition to this law because people understood that talking on cell phones is a distraction and there need to be consequences in place for those who put others in harm's way.

A friend of mine who lives in Texas sent out a Facebook message today to inform everybody that she was not ignoring them, but that Hurricane Ike had disrupted cell phone service and she was unable to get in contact with anybody with her phone. I can imagine that there are people who thought she was ignoring them, because caller ID has made it possible to screen all calls and filter out contact with undesirables.

I look at my own habits and psychological attachments to modern technologies and wonder whether or not they are ultimately making my life easier or worse. If I didn't have a cell phone I would save myself over $900/year. It may or may not be giving me brain cancer and I can't remember anybody's phone number anymore. I can barely understand my half the conversations I have because of weak signals on either end of the line and I end up having to make three to four phone calls to finish one conversation.

BUT ... I wouldn't be able to drunk dial high school friends late at night and let them know what I'm doing with their moms. That's priceless.

F. Scott Fitzgerald Approves

Comedy is one of those things that is not easily quantified. What makes one person spew laughter may make another pucker in repulsion. One thing everybody can agree on ... there is nothing funnier than a puppet making masturbation jokes.

Dumplings and Pigskin

The in-laws came into town this weekend and we showed them Boulder the way it's supposed to be shown. By that I mean we made them take us out to eat a bunch of times. New favorite food: Gnocchi (pronounced "noh-key"). It's Italian dumplings and it's amazing. It came with a wild boar ragu. Eating it, I felt like a really fancy Venetian mountain man. I also felt slightly more redneckish than usual since I had -- A) never eaten this food before, and B) never even heard of it. While most people surrounding my table at reputable Italian eateries are ordering delicious tongue twisters like Cassoela D'Anatra and Tacchinella Ripiena, I'm struggling to remember that two Cs make a "chuh" sound.

On an extremely important note, my dungeons and dragons sports season started yesterday (fantasy football) and The Papageorgios are well on their way to turning some virtual heads this year. Big shout-out to Greg for not starting Brett Favre this week in favor of the time-tested arm of Carson Palmer. Thanks bunches.

Giants 16, Redskins 7

All is right on opening day as the G-Men handled the 'Skins with poise and grace. Plaxico looked amped to be making $11 million this year and Eli looked pretty good for a goofball. Who knows how the defensive front is going to be with the loss of Strahan to retirement and Umenyiora out for the season with a bum leg, but they looked pretty damn good tonight for an opening game.

On a similar note, the front page of the New York Giants Web site is advertising Giants-themed Tiffany & Co. Jewelry to commemorate their Super Bowl XLII victory. Nothing says class like a crystal football helmet, or a $1,350 white gold pendant. Slightly trashy is getting more expensive.

New Job

The wife and I recently moved to Colorado and I got a bartending gig outside of Denver at a movie theater/restaurant/bar. It's a cool place with nice people, but I can't help but think that a master's degree makes me slightly overqualified. Oh, well. If the money's right, the money's right.

I can't wait for the money to be right.

Pepper Jack Loves Fraggle Rock

In honor of the upcoming season premiere of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," here's a favorite moment of mine. To set the scene a little bit, Sweet Dee and Dennis are trying to catch a prostitute killer by having Dee dress up like a hooker while Dennis waits in the bushes. The following ensues:

Welcome to my cyber mind ...

... not as if my mind is that of a robot's, but like this site holds the remnants of my thoughts as told through cyberspace. The external stimuli from the physical world makes its way into my inner workings, be it through firing synapses or some other primordial, less palpable form, and the whole of my existence flavors the subsequent feelings and thoughts that pulse through my soul, which I use an imperfect language to describe to the rest of humanity. This site is the course for the vessel of my mind, a tangible filter for my life in an intangible form.

And cartoons. I'll post cartoons here as well.

This is one of my favorite things ever.